Disclaimer: The following is a work of satire. My goal is not to make fun of the individual in question, but to illustrate a serious problem which his writings convey: sectarianism. While he certainly makes valid points here and there, the spirit of his essays overall is divisive and I believe counter-productive to the True Orthodox witness.
(RURAL SERBIA/LONDON) Prolific, ultraconservative TOC Author Vladimir Moss shocked the ecclesiastical world today by throwing his support behind a Church Union.
The well-known critic has gone on record opposing every known instance of a Church dialogue, discussion, negotiation, or union dating back to at least 1992, when the ROCOR joined communion with the True Orthodox Church of Romania. He is also known to be apprehensive about joint coffee runs between opposing jurisdictions.
“When you’re a member of the Only True Church Left on Earth—the ROCORIRIEVS—,” he starts, referring to what is commonly known as the Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia Inside Russia Into England Via Serbia, “you naturally view any opposing group as Satanic Freemasons attempting to subvert the good thing you have going for you. In perhaps 1% of the cases I’ve seen, there were a few sympathetic people I would have had coffee with maybe, but definitely no inter-communion accords.” Noticing our correspondent’s raised eyebrow, he hurriedly finishes, “I’m just trying to alert the world to the dangers of infiltration by a fifth column.”
Asked about his methodology for researching and compiling his treatises, he points to a recent work against the Kallinikos-Cyprianite Union. “You have to start out with some black-and-white scripture verses—Old Testament references are a must–to set the mood.” This is followed by broad and general condemnations of errors on the part of the TOCs to establish a sense of fairness, feigned praise of allegedly good aspects of the union in question, and then a vicious dissection of the actual details, focusing primarily on hearsay, assumption, casting aspersions, and analogies to past events that may only be tangentially related.
“Framing it into political terms, and playing on Russians’ fears of Greeks trying to resurrect the Byzantine Empire in an ecclesiastical sense are the ways I like to end any such essay. Really gets people riled up.”
Our correspondent asked Moss about his own previous jurisdiction crossing, which at the last tally has seen him be a member of thirteen different True Orthodox Churches. “I’ve just been blessed to have always known to get out before the light switch goes off…you know, before Divine Grace gets switched off?”
Moss shows us his study, which is filled with copious books, articles, clippings, and computer storage devices. On his wall are his diplomas, baptismal certificates, and confessions of faith. “I don’t have one for when I joined the True Orthodox Church of Mauritania (Synod of Archbishop Hesychios). They just let me in by confession. That is how I should have known they would later turn out to be Sergianists!”
He remarks that leaving the GOC-Kallinikos was a close call, though.
“I really waited too long to leave those heretics. This will totally not sound humble, but I have to speak the truth…I think God was preserving Grace in their jurisdiction just for my sake, until I figured out for myself that it was time to move on.”
That is why news that Moss had thrown his support behind a recent Church union came as a surprise to many. The ROCORIRIEVS recently concluded negotiations with the Genuine Orthodox Church of Monaco, and are sealing their union this coming Sunday. Asked what was different about this union, Moss didn’t hesitate.
“Those heretics realized they were hopelessly compromised and that their Church was completely worthless, with no redeeming value. They asked ROCORIRIEVS bishops to not only reordain them, but to rebaptize them first, reconsecrate their Churches, rehear all their previous 20 years’ worth of confessions, and agreed to publicly burn all their theological and liturgical books, replacing them with ROCORIRIEVS-supplied materials. And pray for the Tsar-to-be-revealed in the liturgy instead of that Papist Pseudo-Prince currently usurping the throne.”
Inquiring as to whether this seemed a Church union or more rather a Church conquest, Moss became pensive. “You know? I kind of like the sound of that. Church unions are universally bad. Church conquests are how we should be phrasing these God-pleasing events going forward.”